why don't i ever feel appreciated. and why, when i feel like you don't appreciate me, do i automatically ask, What am I NOT doing for her that I should be, in order to earn her appreciation?

 

http://alexandreapaige.blogspot.com/

give me feedback please :[

today in printmaking.

me: *listening to Love Game*
aaron: *comes over, motions for me to take my earbuds out* what're you listening to?
me: ...why.
aaron: *smiles* what is it?!
me: you're going to make fun of me.
aaron: maybe. what is it?
me: lady gaga.
aaron: *laughs, walking away*
me: why, what's so wrong with her?! 
aaron: nothing, eric cartman told me she's super awesome.

what an ass. he's definitely the best teacher ever.

i'm glad we talked.

<3

what i need right now:
a hug
a blunt
another hug
someone to cuddle with
to know that you care as much as i do.

what i'm going to get:
crunches till my abdominals are screaming
dylan's last marlboro light
maybe some resin hits


good fucking night, may tomorrow be a better day.

Day 01 | Your favourite song
Day 02 | Your favourite movie
Day 03 | Your favourite television programme
Day 04 | Your favourite book
Day 05 | Your favourite quote
Day 06 | Whatever tickles your fancy
Day 07 | A photo that makes you happy
Day 08 | A photo that makes you angry/sad
Day 09 | A photo you took
Day 10 | A photo of you taken over ten years ago
Day 11 | A photo of you taken recently
Day 12 | Whatever tickles your fancy
Day 13 | A fictional book
Day 14 | A non-fictional book
Day 15 | A fanfic
Day 16 | A song that makes you cry (or nearly)
Day 17 | An art piece (painting, drawing, sculpture, etc.)
Day 18 | Whatever tickles your fancy
Day 19 | A talent of yours
Day 20 | A hobby of yours
Day 21 | A recipe
Day 22 | A website
Day 23 | A YouTube video
Day 24 | Whatever tickles your fancy
Day 25 | Your day, in great detail
Day 26 | Your week, in great detail
Day 27 | This month, in great detail
Day 28 | This year, in great detail
Day 29 | Hopes, dreams and plans for the next 365 days
Day 30 | Whatever tickles your fancy

26. i can't really do this one, since i don't remember much about weeks past if nothing significant happens. i go to class, go to work when i need to, do homework, sometimes go to danyell's. sleep. whatever.


i'm really worried i'm being fucked around with.

Day 01 | Your favourite song
Day 02 | Your favourite movie
Day 03 | Your favourite television programme
Day 04 | Your favourite book
Day 05 | Your favourite quote
Day 06 | Whatever tickles your fancy
Day 07 | A photo that makes you happy
Day 08 | A photo that makes you angry/sad
Day 09 | A photo you took
Day 10 | A photo of you taken over ten years ago
Day 11 | A photo of you taken recently
Day 12 | Whatever tickles your fancy
Day 13 | A fictional book
Day 14 | A non-fictional book
Day 15 | A fanfic
Day 16 | A song that makes you cry (or nearly)
Day 17 | An art piece (painting, drawing, sculpture, etc.)
Day 18 | Whatever tickles your fancy
Day 19 | A talent of yours
Day 20 | A hobby of yours
Day 21 | A recipe
Day 22 | A website
Day 23 | A YouTube video
Day 24 | Whatever tickles your fancy
Day 25 | Your day, in great detail
Day 26 | Your week, in great detail
Day 27 | This month, in great detail
Day 28 | This year, in great detail
Day 29 | Hopes, dreams and plans for the next 365 days
Day 30 | Whatever tickles your fancy

23. </lj-embed>
you have to watch all three parts.

 it is now my mission in life to get tattooed by shannon archuleta because:

1. it'll give me a reason to go to cali again
2. look at her gallery.

oh man, freaking out over her work. shit.

michael uploaded Jennifer's Body onto my mac, one good thing about today.

fuck you christmas, i want starbucks and BK and thanks to you nothing is fucking open and no one's around to hang out because it's ~family time. go suck a dick.

family guy, pawn stars, and ace of cakes? best night of tv in forever.

JENNIFER'S BODY WAS THE BEST FUCKING MOVIE. I'M GOING TO ORDER IT ON AMAZON RIGHT NOW. 

edit: WTFWTFWTF it doesn't come out on DVD till december 29th cut the shitttttt

 oh mah gah i took another couple vicodin and i think i might pass out. wow. also, got that book i wanted for $29, suckassssss, including shipping. iRock.

would like to point out that on wednesday the nurses gave me a styrofoam cup with a coffee lid and a straw to drink my water out of, and it is so gosh darn handy that i'm still using it to drink water from. YOU MAY CALL ME THA CARTER FOUR. jk.

but really. 

it is officially the day of my surgery! the end of an era. a very, very sickly era.

there is something very unsettling about being knocked unconscious while people cut up parts of you. and this isn't like when i had my wisdom teeth out, i'm going to an actual hospital. i'll have to take out my nose ring. ugh.

idk i'm not nervous, but i am.

the l word. you never get old.

edit: a NECKY? honestly? do people realize that it's the same thing as a dickie? when will we stop inventing STOOPID SHIT and maybe, idk, focus on alternative energy?

so my dad has this aunt who's a lesbian and her and her wife/life partner/girlfriend/whatever are here visiting. mind you they are the sanest, most intelligent people to come out of either my mom or dad's side of the family. but them being lesbians is kind of this, elephant in the room, only not, cause nobody EVER EVER EVER brings it up, but we all know it. but anyway. they were talking about babies.

mom: yeah, well alex has already decided she's not having babies, so...
me: *shaking my head*
khris: well, she's a smart girl.
lorraine: yup, takes after her aunties, she does. *winks at me*

LOLOLOLOLOL IDK IF THEY KNOW BUT EITHER WAY IT'S FUNNY.

"What's on your mind?"

skipping class monday. the end of the semester. my psych paper - i no longer believe in the point i am trying to make, but it's due thursday. smoking weed. getting fat. should i hit the gym tonight or work on the dreaded psych paper? i FEEL fat. maybe the gym would make me feel better about eating dinner tonight. money. never enough of it. cvs, what a waste of time. angela. the girl i love, to my dismay. she told me we're going to get married, and i believe her. why do i break hearts? or why do i attract those who can be broken? will it ever be my turn? it's got to come sometime. there's a connection between ange and i that i just cant shake. i feel like we're both so strange. old souls, maybe the same soul, lost together, anachronistic and constantly knowing. i know things sometimes and it bothers me. i wish i knew what i was, what i really am because sometimes i don't feel human. sometimes i feel like none of this is real because i only see colors and hear sounds, but it's all very far away. i don't know what any of this means. i want to be a zen mystic but i think i already was. remember my dreams? the night i dreamt about several different places, the night i lived too many lives and fell into my closet when i tried to get up, dizzy, like from time travel. the world is dying. and i'm going to draw it and tell everyone. i live between realities and yes, there is always this much going through my mind, and why is it that i can read people's thoughts on their faces and sometimes i can hear them if i try? i know i can, i asked. i'm not crazy, even though i used to think i was. i did. when i thought that maybe i could kill someone if i had to. i thought i was crazy. i'm crazy now for losing myself in this, spilling my thoughts. it might be nice to have someone know, for once. no one can ever read my thoughts. and i hardly recall writing any of this. how strange. my subconscious.


my teacher wrote a comment and the only part that matters was this: "Stop worrying. You'll figure out what you need to when you're ready."

i don't want to draw hands or feet anymore. i don't want to paint anymore. i don't want to be her mistress but i need her more than i need oxygen and i want to..

i just want to go home. i want to go home and rot my brain in front of the television for a while and just blissfully think about NOTHING.

i wantd to come back and paint but now that i realize how pretty fucked i really am, i dotn know ti i trust myself to do homework.

promise i'll be kind, but i won't stop until that girl is mine.

i feel so fucking empty. and hopeless and useless and like i just completely fucked up my entire life by fucking up my chances with you. god, why me? why why why.

 so i had to have a cavity filled at 10:30 today. my lip is still numb from the novocaine, which is annoying enough, but now i have an itch on my lip that i like, can't scratch because every time i touch my lip i just feel NOTHING. i didn't think it worked that way. but fuck is it annoying.

diva's last night was a grand success. drama-free. love it.

project runway tonight! i just want to hear tim gunn say "this... concerns me," and "make it work!" :P

xx